I read somewhere that every phase of life gets difficult than previous phase. This resonates with me so much. Childhood was easier than teenage. Teenage was easier than adulthood. Single life was easier than married life. Married life was easier than parenthood. I am sure parenthood is going to be easier than old age. But such is life and this is what makes it beautiful; challenges and how you stand up to them. My yearly summary allows you to peak into the personal aspect of my life where you get to glimpse the struggles away from the insta worthy life. Here is how my year 2022 went in a nutshell. 

1. Postpartum recovery 

After birthing in November 2021, the next challenge was recovering. I had a painful delivery process since it involved 18 hours of labor followed by a C-section as my baby's head was stuck. Doctor feared that the baby might have trouble breathing and also his heart beat might drop. Also, his head started to swell which is why she decided to opt for a C-section. I was done pushing by then and was numb to a point where it didn't matter what happened anymore. 

The day I was admitted

Did I underestimate C-section? Yes, I surely did. Nothing had prepared me for the trauma I felt after my surgery. One, I wasn't mentally prepared for it. Two, I underestimated the trauma and recovery. I had never experienced dependency of this sort where I had to be taken to the loo by someone. Hats off to mothers, no one can take care as unconditionally like a mother does. I think I am ready to share my post partum journey now and which requires a separate post. This is just a preamble, if I start sharing my experience in this post, there won't be any space left for other things. 

2. Struggle with Body image

I'd call it the second hardest part of post delivery phase. When I looked at myself in a full length mirror after delivery, I had high hopes that I'll jump back into my old clothes like a breeze since my weight happened to be the same as it was when I conceived. All baby fat had vanished suddenly. But boy, was I wrong and delusional! Breastfeeding led me to such monstrous hunger pangs that I wanted to gulp down everything especially junk. Now I have a pot belly and fat all over. My face spread is beyond measures. I am a hippo! With a 10 to 12 hours job routine, taking care of the baby and then house chores with bare minimum help of husband I am unable to find the energy to workout and reduce my weight. My feet are struggling to keep up with my weight. I am around 8 kilos overweight as I write this post. I have managed to shed 3 kilos in 1 year's time though. Some progress! 

3. Breast feeding

I feel nobody educates us on breastfeeding. Don't know if its again one of those cultural things where ladies expect their daughters to learn by experience or its sheer nonsense of simply not educating. However, I found breastfeeding to be a proper science in its own. Nobody prepared me for what was about to come. Three days after birthing, I struggled to pump. There was so much pressure by my mom, by my aunt to pump and feed the baby. There are no proper lactation consultants in the hospitals here so reliance on archaic knowledge is passed down generation to generation by mothers and family. It took me 15 days to properly feed my baby. Feeding time was painful to say the least. My stitches hurt because of baby's weight, my back ached due to my angles and then the struggle to make the baby latch. There was so much of breast leaking and it took me time to figure out managing leaking breasts and pads placement. Again, I feel breastfeeding journey warrants a post of its own which I might not do. 

4. Change in job role at work 

When I resumed work after 3 months of maternity leave, I learnt that 50% of my job role was changed upon my rejoining. It was a subtle blow to me a first as I felt I may have become redundant. With the passage of time it turned out to be a positive change and now I am in the process of a complete transition and in learning phase for a new career pathway. The image below is of one of the events I helped organize and prepare for. I was not kidding when I mentioned about my body image issue above. Look at my bloated self! Ufff, hideous! 

5. Setting up the new portion

In my ninth month of pregnancy, I shifted my home. I moved closer to my mother's place since the arrangements for the upcoming baby were going to be with my mum in my absence when I resumed work. To cut down on the commute timings, the smart choice was to move closer. We found a really good place on rent nearby and it also gave me the luxury to set up my own portion in the house. I still live in a joint set up but with a separate portion. We still sit and eat together as we use single kitchen however the new arrangement felt like freedom honestly. 

I organized my portion to my liking. Thankfully I had a good amount saved which helped me buy new appliances, furniture and home decor. I shared my home set up stories on Instagram, you can check them out there. In below pictures, the left column is when we moved in and the right one shows how it looks like now. 

6. Additional responsibilities at home 

Separate portion meant new responsibilities at home. Previously I only had to manage my room and the maid used to do the laundry, cleaning, dusting and ironing. Now with my portion I have to manage it all. I have house help but close supervision is absolute necessity and also getting things done yourself. I think something changed in me during pregnancy and now I can not help myself if there is anything out of place or something needs to be cleaned. I have to do it otherwise it keeps giving my anxiety. I won't say that I have become obsessive but the compulsion to keep everything organized takes control mostly. This leaves me feeling burnt out and tired and stressed. 

7. Motherhood 

Motherhood is as hard as they portray. I sometimes feel its a thankless job or maybe we seek validation and appreciation for it which never comes and makes it feel even harder. Nonetheless, its hard! I still am struggling with this role and can not help compare my old life to this new one. I am struggling to find the balance to manage work, house chores, give proper time to family and then some me time where I can idly waste my time without a care. Then there are the joint pains I keep getting over and over despite taking supplements. Further to add is the recent perpetual headache that adds to my agony and lastly the shoulder pain that never left. I feel all this physical impact came after the baby. Maybe I need a physiotherapy which again, I am too lazy about. 

8. House Incident

The house we have rented, I love its design. Its a 10 marla double story, designed beautifully to cover maximum space. The drawback is the shoddy construction job. The house took 3 years to finish with minimum work. Basically the contractor was corrupt who cheated the landlords with their money. It was the third day of eid in 2022 when a chunk of ceiling fell off on the ground in the master bedroom. I was in the toilet about to start my bath and the baby was sleeping on the bed when it happened. It was no less than a miracle the baby survived. Just because I had placed round pillows around him the concrete piece fell on the pillows. When I recall the noise and my shock to see what happened, it gives me goosebumps. I can not thank Allah enough for saving my baby that day. He literally is a miracle baby to have made it that day. Since I persisted to get this house rented, I don't know what would have I done if anything untoward had happened that day. My heart was so full of rage and hatred for the contractor that day, I cursed him a lot, maybe rightly so. I am just glad and thankful for my baby to be completely safe. Even when I think of it now, I don't know how he survived a 2 feet concrete piece falling from a 10 feet height. 

9. Cooking class 

Every year I take some sort of cooking classes and this has been the way for some years now. This year I learnt to make steaks. Something I was lacking in for quite a long time. I took steaks master class from Momina Zaka and it was so helpful, I cooked a perfect 200 gms x 4 steaks at home. 

10. Wedding preparations of SIL 

My SIL's wedding was planned in the first week of January 2023. The month of December was spent shopping for the wedding. Best part of shopping was buying cute tiny things for my baby. I did not know such cute stuff even existed, only noticed because I went looking for it. Raja Sahib Liberty outlet is a complete one stop shop for all clothing and accessories. We bought a beautiful shalwar kameez with prince coat, then a nice shalwar kameez with waist coat and lastly a 3 piece suit for Walima event. Sadly the baby did not enjoy the festivities much as I and baby fell sick just a week ahead of the wedding. 

11. Falling sick  

My year ended on a very bad note. I fell sick in the last week of December and still not fully recovered to date. I caught viral cough and fever along with my baby and spent the wedding in sheer agony. My fever ran as high as 104 and my baby's 103. We had to visit hospital multiple times for my baby. It was the night of my SIL's mayun that I had 104 fever and had to be taken to the hospital. Since this is my space, I want to be candid here and point out how miserable I felt attending the event for 10 minutes. It was a social obligation that had to be met just because it was my in-laws family. I couldn't stop thinking that had there been a wedding in my own family, I could have skipped it on account of being sick. I missed my cousin's mayun since it overlapped with my bridal prep appointment when I had to get married. But sadly in our culture a woman maybe on death bed but has to meet her in-laws obligations. The whole ordeal amplified due to being sick and irritable. There was no warm water to take bath. I was dizzy the whole time due to high fever. I wasn't getting enough rest to feel better. Then to get ready for a wedding event while running high with fever was just cherry on top. Thankfully I went to hospital after sitting for 10 minutes with the guests and changing back to my PJ's. It took me 3 to 4 hours in the hospital as they pumped me with antibiotics and saline water and cold presses to bring down my temperature. 

My immunity is compromised as I am unable to get enough sleep during the night to build it up. As I type, I am coughing and sneezing. Don't know if life will ever get back to a normal routine or how long this phase will last... 

The year went great overall with a slight bump in the end. Hope the new year brings lots of pleasantness, good health, happiness and joys.